We Are Obsessed, Too, Dudes

Women no longer stand alone at supermarket lines or the back wall at Barnes & Noble scanning headlines of Cosmopolitan and Glamour for what they need to do to step up their game. Now they're joined by a much-more-obsessed group of men — straight ones, even — who crave the tell-me-what-to-do-and-how-to-live advice of magazine editors.

As I sat reading my latest issue of Esquire, I realized I was quickest to turn to the Impossible Self Improvements article, a multiple-page how-to guide on quick improvements I can make right here and now. Immediately, I needed to know How To Be More Charming and ... Be Taller (6'3" just isn't enough these days, people) and ... Be Better Looking and ... Breathe Better and ... Be Smarter and ... Be Your Best, On Command (Spoiler alert: The solution turns out to be skipping. Seriously, like a child. Yes, I'll be doing that right away.) and ... Bounce Back, On Command.

It's not just Esquire, perhaps the manliest of all magazines for men, either. I get daily updates in my e-mail from Men's Health that suggest ways for me to improve my life in the gym, at work and in the bedroom. It seems I can't figure anything out on my own without the help of these electronic tips arriving each day.

We are body-image obsessed and constantly trying to make ourselves look better, feel better and just be better. Perfection is out there somewhere and, we, my friends of both sexes, are going to find it. All of us. Because being different isn't a good thing. Unless, of course, the editors at Details tell me to be different. Then, I suppose, it's exactly what I should do ... at least for the fall.

Fashion advice is one thing I think magazines can direct. Having been in the industry myself, I have at least a slight understanding of the influence major magazines have on dressing America. But the day I can justify the Dolce & Gabbana chunky sweater featured on page 126 is the day I'll actually use the barcode right there on the very same page to purchase it with my smart phone. No need to try on a $2,445 sweater, just pull out my phone, point it to the page and "buy."

I picture that sweater arriving in six to eight weeks, just ahead of the time I need to get an even newer, shinier smart phone so I can shop my way through the spring fashion issue and get prepared for warmer weather once again. Luckily I have a bottomless bank account to buy such things.

Maybe it's time I start reading the Target insert that also is e-mailed to me each Sunday. That's a lifestyle I can support ... and realistically afford. If only Esquire would tell me the solution to ... Be Smarter is to stop caring if I fit some mold. But, no, the answer is, shockingly, "buy flowers."