Rules for the Gym

Before I became a regular at the gym, one of my biggest excuses was I couldn't stand the thought of everyone looking at me. I didn't need the extra judgment.

Most people would say, "Nobody's looking at you. They're looking at themselves in the mirror." Still, I couldn't (and sometimes still can't) believe that because ... as it turns out ... I'm the guy who is looking at what everyone else is doing at the gym. I'm looking at the meatheads looking at themselves in the mirror, and I'm looking at the women who actually did their hair and makeup before jumping on the treadmill. I'm judging them.

It's not my proudest feature, but I judge people. We all do. The only difference is I actually am willing to admit it.

So, in the last few months, there have been several judgments I've collected during my trips to the gym. Here are some of them in the form of Reed's Rules and Etiquette for the Gym:

1. Never walk into the front door, past the stairs (about 15-20) and down a smaller flight of stairs (3-5 steps) to get on the elevator to the second level. Unless you're in a wheelchair.
2. Don't stand naked, with your friend, talking and blocking the exit from the men's locker room. Even though you may not believe me, I really don't want to brush against you to squeeze by.
3. Don't bend you naked self over and rub your butt against my leg while I'm getting my things out of the locker three down from yours. You see me standing here, you tool.
4. Never ask me if I would mind moving over to the next elliptical machine so you can have the one I'm using, which happens to be next to the one your girlfriend is using.
5. Never ask me if I would mind moving over to the next elliptical machine so you can have the one I'm using, which happens to be next to the one your girlfriend is using. THEN proceed to talk about your personal life so loudly that even my iPod on the highest volume can't drown you out.
6. Don't continue to sit on a weight bench for 10 minutes, not using it, when it's the only one available ... especially after I ask you if you're almost finished and you say "In a minute." Don't you know you're only supposed to rest for a minute or so between sets?
7. Please don't gather all of the core-building equipment and haul it to the other side of the gym for your later use. That stuff is limited, and it's especially limited on Meathead Mondays and Too-Crowded Thursday.
8. Ladies, they're called sports bras. If you need one, buy one. And wear it.
9. The gym is a place to work out, not make out. I know you love your boyfriend and all, but this isn't the place for French kissing, girl.